Reminders...ask for help and stomp the guilt

Here's another vulnerable blog for ya. These photos have been in pending in my blog inbox for at least two weeks now. For good reason, I have had to think about if I wanted to share these or not. I am not even sure if there are others out there reading my reflections, but I find it extremely freeing to be transparent and raw. I keep looking at these photos and thinking to myself, "Is that me? Did I really go though that? Do we seriously have a son?" Like I mentioned in a previous blog (I think), laboring/delivering Jamison into the world was one of the most difficult and rewarding things I have ever experienced. Also mentioned in a previous blog...I am a SLOW processor. I am now beginning to enjoy and embrace this part about me. Not to mention I have had even less time to process this event. So it might take awhile and this is my attempt. Because it's important! The theme of this week...stomp on guilt and ask for help. The presence of guilt has been overwhelming at times. It is difficult to explain but it is most present in my ambivalence around being a mom and this new role I have been given. Guilt around wanting time and space for myself. Guilt around not feeling like a good wife and friend to my wonderful husband. Guilt that I haven't been able to pour into other relationships because I am simply too tired. Guilt for not being able to clean, cook, or even shower some days...the list has the potential to go on and on but the point is to STOMP on these feelings. Though I think it is valuable to name and address the guilt but then to say whatever...I just had a 9lb baby and it is going to take time to heal and transition...seriously! A new leaf has been turned this week as it started off with hanging out with my dear friend, and fairly new momma, Susanne. There is a reason we need to ask for help from others. I forget this too quickly and and am gracefully reminded every time I walk away from valuable conversations that involve allowing others to help and care for me. I will end my reflection with these photos, which are reminders of life and surrender. Thanks again to my friend Jessica for being in the room and capturing these beautiful and raw moments. These photos and thoughts of mine are pearls...read them and look at them knowing you are being invited into a vulnerable part of my heart :)

Reminder to self when I am frustrated with my aching and slow healing body...honey you pushed for almost 3 hours...3 HOURS! I remember asking James to put on some "eye of the tiger" type music...you know, for motivation. I tuned out the music after a song or two.


My amazing husband and "birth partner." The look on his face is priceless. I am so grateful for your amazing partnership in this experience babe. I could not have done it without you!


36ish hours of labor...I still haven't fully counted the hours but all I know is it was LONG!


And then he came!! This photo is the most rewarding. My face, my tears...what I felt in that moment is almost unexplainable. My best description joyful relief and exhaustion.


We are very grateful for the hospital staff at St. Josephs. What an amazing crew. Bernie, my midwife, kept saying that we have the A team tonight! Birthing plans are kind of a joke (to me at least) because rarely anything goes as planned. But some of the things I hoped would happen did and I am grateful the staff did their best to make it happen.


Love this photo...here we are, the Leet FAMILY of 3 (well 4 if you include Durango)!


Joyful relief and exhaustion


Jamison Leet and his feet!!