A closing to my twenties...

Tomorrow I cross over to a new decade. Though tomorrow may just seem like any other day, I am flooded with memories as I reflect back on the last 10 years of my life.

Some experiences in the last decade that come to mind are learning to appreciate and appropriately drink adult beveragesJ Trinity House. Heartache & relationships ending. Graduation. Cross country driving. Moving to a different State. Paradise Point & Adventure White Water. Experiencing God through prayer and healing. God pulling me out and redeeming me from depression.Working alongside the poor. Meeting the man whom I would marry. Getting married. Celebrating friends getting married. Traveling. Being accepted by an incredible community. New friends. Learning to what it really means to love your neighbor..still learning. Growing and birthing two babies. Photography. 3 years of Counseling Graduate School. Learning to cook. Hard conversations of healing. Anniversaries at Edgefield. Crying over friends passing and new babies entering the world. Being forgiven on several occasions. Forgiving. Getting reacquainted and learning about family. I am sure the list could continue but for now this is my free association list of my highlighted experiences in my twenties. 

It sort of feels like another life when I think about some of these moments and seasons of life. It is quite strange to think of the 20 year old Katy. I know there have been experiences of both overwhelming joy and deep sorrow. I also know both have been used for growth, understanding, and most importantly bringing me closer to the one who knows me best, my Creator. I have Him to thank. 

This reminds me of something I recently read from Beth Moore. Something about how God sometimes alleviates our suffering, sometimes eases the suffering, and still other times God shows his sufficiency in the suffering. But she was encouraging the reader to make no mistake; God never abandons us in our suffering. That's right Beth, in each of those experiences listed above and more...God was with me through it all and is still with me today. Even if I failed or straight up didn't want Him there. If I could describe or put a theme to the last 10 years in one sentence it would be...God was with me the whole time because he loves me. 

So I will continue to reflect and CELEBRATE God's goodness. And to remember His goodness and grace on my life is not for me & me alone but He has seen me through much so that I may give my life to others. Perhaps so that they may experience this very real and personal God too. 

Cheers to the next decade...

Can Anguish and Joy Coexist?

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;

you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,

that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever! Psalm 30:11-12

I am thankful for the insight God has revealed this morning as I gathered with some other moms during co-op. Together we listened to Beth Moore dissect God's word to illustrate that anguish and joy CAN coexist . 

²⁰ Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. ²¹ A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. ²² So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. ²³ In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. ²⁴ Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. John 16:20-24

This scripture seems all too relevant as I have 4 months left to go before another baby Leet joins the world. Despite its relevancy to childbirth, my heart has been heavy with grief for the friends around me going through difficult circumstances. I have been questioning God's goodness. My unbelief is present in the midst of the grief and I believe it is because I have yet to grasp who God really is. It is one thing to praise with my mouth that God is GOOD and it is another to BELIEVE with my heart and soul that God IS good. I have been praying for a few weeks now that God would allow me to taste and see His goodness (Psalm 34:8). I often compartmentalize that if difficult circumstances and/or suffering are present then God is absent or perhaps punishing. In the last few years, I can sense my understanding of this shifting. 

Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experiences various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. James 1:2-3 

God turns our grief to joy...He turns our mourning into dancing, DANCING! May we allow God to re-wire how we think/feel about suffering. May we remember how labor pains (which is the most physical pain I have ever been in) produced a beautiful baby. Anguish, suffering, and difficult circumstances will birth something precious and beautiful.

one year tomorrow...

It has been awhile since I have felt motivated to blog. Tonight while I surfed the web for photography opportunities, I surprisingly found myself at a website NILMDTS (now I lay me down to sleep). Memories began to come back as I remembered sweet Moses and his short stay here on earth. His parents got the opportunity to have photographs taken of their son. With the chaos of confusion and sorrow, someone came and took photographs of them holding their breathless son. I am not sure how I even came across this website but let just say I spent some good trying to comprehend capturing such a heavy experience. I think about Moses often and how my own son would be interacting with him this present day. I also think about how beautiful Stella would not be with us today if Moses were to be alive today. Grief is such a tricky thing. It is something we feel deeply in our gut but at times are unable to name with words.  It is something we cannot control but yet have the opportunity to process with others. I would venture to say most of us are afraid of entering the realms of grief...really entering it. Or maybe a better way to say it is allowing grief to be present...I am not sure we even have the ability to "enter" grief. So as I sit here...typing...I remember and name that there is a sadness that stirs in my belly. I remember the night I went to the hospital to pray. I remember the midnight hours I desperately begged God to breathe life into Moses. I remember holding my own pregnant belly wondering..why why why? I remember the cries of my dear friend as she mourned the loss of her first born. No friend should ever have to hear those sounds from another friend. But it happened and so we remember.

My sweet friend, I know you read my blog and I love you so. You are an incredible mommy to both Moses and Stella. I will always remember.

Reminded by Toe Nails

I can still hear the compliments towards my snazzy green toe nail polish the day my son was born. The day before his birth, my dear friend Melisa gave me a pedicure (while in labor) to prepare for his arrival! Now 4 months later, the remnants are fading. In the moment right before I snapped this photo, I was overwhelmed with bittersweet emotion. It was a moment that reminded me of change, of indescribable love, and an incredible story that continues on...

Random Thursday Thoughts...

Coffee shop..glass of red wine. What is a woman to write about under such circumstances? (Did I mention Jamison is at home with his daddy?) It has been a difficult last few weeks but today..today has been met with laughter, enjoyment, and seeds of hope. Jamison is growing so quickly. His chatter bring a lightness to my heart, reminding me of innocent beauty. My marriage is growing quickly too. It takes a gracious partnership of quick forgiveness and a commitment of constant communication to raise a family. Everyone is being stretched as we are asked to lay down our needs for the sake of the other. It is not always pretty, this new season we found ourselves in. Just like the Fall leaves, the colors of our family continuously change. Change is beautiful because it pushes me to uncomfortable places. Streeeeeetch Katy! I know that some day soon I will resiliently adapt to what has been put before me. I know this because there is a God that has my back and softly lets me know that everything will be okay. My circumstances may not change but peace faithfully comes in the midst of the storm.

Here are two pictures that I have been looking at often. To be honest, I STILL am in awe that I have inherited the role and privilege of being a mom. This thought is so tender and hits me every once in awhile. What an honor. I watch my hubby laugh, hold, and snuggle our son and I am overwhelmed. Partly because I feel anxious & depressed as well as an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I am glad that my previous experiences at Mars Hill Graduate School has prepared me to hold both in my cup. I am learning to continually wrestle with ambiguity. So with that, being a mommy has brought both jubilation and heartache. I wouldn't trade this experience for anything...

Missing You...

It has been 2 months, 24 days since you left this place. I miss you. I keep thinking about you. My heart breaks for Sierra, Dakota, and Viantay. I don't know if I will ever understand...while you "rest in peace," the rest of us will mourn. For we will not see your beautiful face on earth again. You touched so many lives. We had so many meaningful conversations of love, loss, and healing. I wish you could have met my son. He would have loved you. You always did have a way with babies. I miss you friend...