one year tomorrow...

It has been awhile since I have felt motivated to blog. Tonight while I surfed the web for photography opportunities, I surprisingly found myself at a website NILMDTS (now I lay me down to sleep). Memories began to come back as I remembered sweet Moses and his short stay here on earth. His parents got the opportunity to have photographs taken of their son. With the chaos of confusion and sorrow, someone came and took photographs of them holding their breathless son. I am not sure how I even came across this website but let just say I spent some good trying to comprehend capturing such a heavy experience. I think about Moses often and how my own son would be interacting with him this present day. I also think about how beautiful Stella would not be with us today if Moses were to be alive today. Grief is such a tricky thing. It is something we feel deeply in our gut but at times are unable to name with words.  It is something we cannot control but yet have the opportunity to process with others. I would venture to say most of us are afraid of entering the realms of grief...really entering it. Or maybe a better way to say it is allowing grief to be present...I am not sure we even have the ability to "enter" grief. So as I sit here...typing...I remember and name that there is a sadness that stirs in my belly. I remember the night I went to the hospital to pray. I remember the midnight hours I desperately begged God to breathe life into Moses. I remember holding my own pregnant belly wondering..why why why? I remember the cries of my dear friend as she mourned the loss of her first born. No friend should ever have to hear those sounds from another friend. But it happened and so we remember.

My sweet friend, I know you read my blog and I love you so. You are an incredible mommy to both Moses and Stella. I will always remember.

Wild Geese ~ Mary Oliver

One of my beautiful friends from school shared this Mary Oliver poem with a group of us last week. Which reminded me of reading Mary with another dear friend. We are meant to live life with others. We are not meant to be alone. Though loneliness seems to be close by, I must remember that I am not alone. Like Mary writes...we all have a place in the family of things!

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

~Mary Oliver

written affirmation

My dear friend Meag is gifted at giving gifts. Some how she sent me mail while overseas (somehow I think I may need to thank her mom for sending it from the States). The point is she thinks ahead...she is one of the most thoughtful people I know. There is something that melts inside of me when knowing there is someone else thinking about me. To know that someone else cherishes me and intentionally creates something that attempts to reflect that love is a gift in itself. It is rare that I receive a hand written letter nowadays. I miss that. I think I want to be better about sending written letters and affirmations to those I care about.

Handmade card from an artist in Lagos, Nigeria.

It's the little things...shells in a tea package!

Even the inside of the package is lavishly colorful

Hand sewn to close the package!

Mt St Helens Adventure

A new annual tradition has begun with some of my college girlfriends. We kicked off the first year in the Mt. St. Helens Wildreness area. June Lake was a great place to backpack and camp. From there the hiking is incredible and fairly easy. Although, I would recommend good shoes as there are big rocks and bolders to scramble over as part of the hiking trails. My time around Mt. Helens was reflective of the cycle of death and life...as this volcanoe destroyed everything around it over 27 years ago and yet finds a way for new growth and beauty. Beauty for ashes may be another way of putting it (Isaiah 61:3)!! We had a great time and I believe the pictures may let you a little in on our experience :) Oh yea, watch out for sasquatch in these woods!! You may never know...

Meagster

This is my beautiful friend Meag! She has spent the last year in Lagos Nigeria teaching youngsters at an international school. Despite my aching heart due to her absence in Tacoma, we have been able to chat here and there-thanks to Skype. I appreciate the unique connection we share and the unconditional acceptance that occurs between us. I cherish your friendship Meag...you are a beauty!

best friend

Wondering what you are doing...what you are thinking. Wishing we weren't separated by miles. You are a blessing from God. What would life be without my best friend? Can we go ride bikes? Can Allison come out to play? Why did we have to grow up?

SLAM and the kids that melt your heart

SLAM Students Living A Mission was the summer program that stole my heart this summer! With sweat, tears, and laughter I was spending most of my time with 6-8 year olds. Things I learned through SLAM: 1. Boys are to have lots of space to wrestle and that is how God created them to be! 2. I am not in control. 3. Take the time to get on your knees and look a kid in the eye because what he is about to tell you may make or break his day! 4. I am falling more in love with the other Youth Coordinator, my boyfriend! 5. Discipline can be coordinated with love. 6. I am supported by friends.
I know there is much more that God taught me this summer but that will do for now! Thank you to Rahiem, George, Penelope, Isaiah, Dylan, Rick, Zakary, Semaj, Viantay, Hector, Jacob, Tony, Mersaydes, JR, and Kristy for making memories with me!

Weddings and such

It seems to be a time in life where love is in the air. With the many weddings comes provoked thoughts on what it means to commit the rest of my life to someone. I am blessed to have been a witness to so many beautiful couples come together. Some of the high lighted weddings were Emily/Matt and my brother Brandon. I am still getting use to the fact that I have a new sister in law. Pretty sweet when you grow up with three brothers and your wish of having a sister comes true! So cheers to all of you out there finding the one that deserves to love you and be loved back!