one year tomorrow...

It has been awhile since I have felt motivated to blog. Tonight while I surfed the web for photography opportunities, I surprisingly found myself at a website NILMDTS (now I lay me down to sleep). Memories began to come back as I remembered sweet Moses and his short stay here on earth. His parents got the opportunity to have photographs taken of their son. With the chaos of confusion and sorrow, someone came and took photographs of them holding their breathless son. I am not sure how I even came across this website but let just say I spent some good trying to comprehend capturing such a heavy experience. I think about Moses often and how my own son would be interacting with him this present day. I also think about how beautiful Stella would not be with us today if Moses were to be alive today. Grief is such a tricky thing. It is something we feel deeply in our gut but at times are unable to name with words.  It is something we cannot control but yet have the opportunity to process with others. I would venture to say most of us are afraid of entering the realms of grief...really entering it. Or maybe a better way to say it is allowing grief to be present...I am not sure we even have the ability to "enter" grief. So as I sit here...typing...I remember and name that there is a sadness that stirs in my belly. I remember the night I went to the hospital to pray. I remember the midnight hours I desperately begged God to breathe life into Moses. I remember holding my own pregnant belly wondering..why why why? I remember the cries of my dear friend as she mourned the loss of her first born. No friend should ever have to hear those sounds from another friend. But it happened and so we remember.

My sweet friend, I know you read my blog and I love you so. You are an incredible mommy to both Moses and Stella. I will always remember.